How to Discipline a Strong Willed Child

Discipline and the Strong-Willed Child

Recently, a young mother wrote to me for advice on disciplining her son. She said, “I have a very strong-willed and determined one-year-old boy. I want to raise him to serve and obey God. Would you explain what it means to discipline him without breaking his spirit?” It’s an excellent question—one that many parents struggle to answer.
As a mom or dad, you are called to discipline your children in a godly manner. In fact, the failure to do so is an act of disobedience on your part.
Because of this, many parents experience a great deal of stress, wondering if they are either too harsh or too permissive. Proverbs 3:12 says, “Whom the Lord loves He reproves, even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.” But what does this really mean?
First, we must distinguish between a child’s actions and his spirit, which are two very different things. A child’s spirit, or personhood, is the identity hidden deep within his heart and mind—his inner life. A child’s actions comprise what he does and how he responds to different situations.
Understanding this, we must realize the goal of all discipline must be to temper a child’s self-will and halt destructive patterns of behavior. The aim is never to harm his spirit, which might cause feelings of unworthiness or that he is unlovable.
Therefore, I want to give you some examples of how to correct your children in a way that will build up and protect their personhood.

1. Before addressing a child, ask yourself: “Why am I disciplining him? Is it because of what he did or does my anger stem from something else?” Take a moment to examine your reaction, think through your response, and calm down before you deal with the situation. This ensures that you are not misdirecting your frustrations. It will also help you understand what happened and the wisest way to proceed.
2. When you discipline children, state your purpose for doing so in a way that is clear to them. If you don’t, they may not realize a change in behavior is needed. Instead, your kids may end up believing they are unlovable.
3. Also, explain the purpose for any chastisement in a caring tone. Make sure it’s clear that you’re addressing the issue not out of anger, but out of love and with their best interest in mind.
4. If you want your children to listen to you, always keep your promises. When you don’t stand by your word, it’s both confusing and frustrating. Without being consistent as a parent, they won’t know whether you’re serious or if what you say is empty of meaning.
5. Share your regret for having to reprimand them. Say, “You know I don’t like disciplining you, but I do so because I want you to learn how to obey God and enjoys all of His blessings.”
6. Never strike your children on the face, and never use your hand. 
7. Focus comments on your children’s actions, instead of demeaning them or questioning their personhood. The child who is wounded in her spirit eventually views herself as inherently unworthy, and this results in feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.  
8. After you have disciplined your kids, give them assurance of your love and that you want the very best for their lives.
9. Listen. Pay attention to what your kids say. When you do not respectfully consider their ideas, opinions, or requests you communicate that they aren’t important.
10. Likewise, do not compare your children to other people. Doing so sends the message that, somehow, God did not bless or equip them as abundantly as He did others.
11. Avoid comments that contain phrases such as “you never” or “you always.” These expressions suggest that one’s character is fixed without the possibility of improvement. In reality, there’s no limit to what the Lord can do in and through a person’s life.
12. When you know your children have done their best, commend them—even if their grades didn’t meet your expectations. This is a crucial point, because if you criticize your kids’ performance, you will inadvertently communicate that their best isn’t good enough. Inevitably, this will lead to feelings of inadequacy and despondency.
13. Express your love often through hugs, caring words, and compliments. If a child grows up without this, he will seek approval and acceptance elsewhere.

We were all born with free will and the inclination to sin against God. In other words, we all need discipline so we can learn how to bring our desires in line with the Lord’s plan and purpose for our lives.
By following these simple principles—correcting your children out of love rather than anger—you are not only teaching them to submit to God’s authority, you are also preparing their spirits to receive His love and blessings. And that won’t only make you a great parent but one that glorifies the Lord.